How to Choose a Mate

I rarely have guest bloggers but I today I want to introduce you to Dr. Berta Davis who wrote the article below. Thank you, Dr. Davis

In my practice I see a great many couples and individuals struggling with what might be considered pre-marital issues.  Is she right for me?  Will he be a good husband and father?  Will we get along with each others parents? Are we compatible and will we be able to survive the challenging throws of marriage in the twenty first century.  Recently a young man in his early thirties approached me with similar concerns.  He is handsome, very handsome, successful, a graduate of an Ivy League school, comes from an excellent family and has a good job.  What many of us would consider a “good catch”…he has been seeing a young woman for over a year, beautiful, sweet and very nice.  Sounds good so far!  However, his reason for consulting me is that he has been feeling tortured.  Whenever they go anywhere she becomes suspicious, if he talks to another woman she is convinced that he will have an affair and she is generally distrustful.  This guy, let us call him Frank is faithful, has never cheated on anyone and is as reliable as the day is long.  His parents have been married for over 45 years and they are faithful, church going people and have brought him up to respect himself, women and the world that he lives in…  So you might ask, why is, let us call her Susan so suspicious.  When I inquired as to Susan’s family background Frank immediately told me that her parents were divorced when she was ten years of age and this deeply impacted her life…

So you might ask, what does Susan’s history have anything to do with this clean cut young man and her anxiety and concern?  Everything.  Unfortunately, or sometimes fortunately we are the product of the way we have been raised.  We tend to choose a partner on an unconscious level so that we can work out all of the unresolved issues of our family of origin…..  Susan, without any provocation from Frank is dealing with issues which were a source of pain and confusion for her when she was a little girl, and in psycho babble language, is projecting these issues on to Frank, although unwarranted. 

So back to the question….In choosing a mate, look carefully at the underbelly of family dynamics. Since none of us can avoid some form of distress hope that the person of your dreams is at least aware of how impacted they were by Mom and Dad and are open to see that some feelings and beliefs are primed by the past, not the present…

Bertadavis@bertadavis.com                       www.bertadavis.com

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