Whose Book Is It, Anyway?
Last Sunday morning I was in D.C., sitting around the kitchen table with 2 old friends. We had seen the movie “Margaret” the night before and were rehashing the intelligence of the film and also talking about the scenes that didn’t work. My friend Ken read from a review that said that Matthew Broderick and the director had been high school friends in NYC and several of the scenes were taken directly from their experiences. Then, Anita and I agreed that most of those scenes didn’t work. They were superfluous and added minutes to a long movie but didn’t add to our enjoyment.
I thought that they probably had a great time recalling school days and filming but it seemed to be self indulgent. It was right about then that I thought of my two novels, one completed, one with only a couple dozen pages – the light went on (just like in the movies). I have been enjoying writing this new book sooo much that I think I have completely lost sight of any potential readers. Note to Linda: am I writing primarily for my own enjoyment (an okay decision; I already have a job) or, am I planning to reach other people (in which case I have to readjust my thinking and writing).
Why is Willpower Important?
This post follows Monday’s.
1. We use willpower to control our thoughts and stay focused. Willpower allows us to filter out distracting information and convince ourselves to stay the course (like exercising or dieting)
2. We use willpower to control our emotions. Willpower helps us to escape bad moods, distract ourselves, and rebalance emotional upsets.
3. We use willpower to control impulses. Just think about drinking, eating, smoking, or getting into trouble sexually.
4. We use willpower to control our performances. Willpower helps us to manage our time, speed and accuracy. It keeps us in the game.
It pays to cultivate willpower.
Willpower
I’m reading a book that I recommend highly. It is Willpower by Roy Baumeister. No, it is not a ’3 Steps to Controlling Your World’ book. He is a professor from Florida State University. He and others have done many studies about self-control or will power and have relied on other work as well to come up with some ideas that I am finding very useful. I am going to post some of the ideas from time to time.
To have willpower is to connect episodes across time. Think about it – will power means that we have to treat the current situation as part of a pattern, not as an isolated event. If I look at tonight’s piece of cake as “one piece of cake” that is sort of correct but more accurately it reflects a pattern of eating cake very often. If I miss one appointment, is that unusual (for me it is) or is it one episode in a pattern. When we think of each episode individually, i.e. “just this once” we will have MUCH LESS willpower than if we think of it as “another one in a pattern I want to change.” Motto: Every episode must be treated as a moment to resist temptation.
more on Wednesday………….
Make Friends With The Floor
Successful gymnasts, dancers, ice skaters have all learned to make friends with the floor in very literal ways. They know they will fall down in learning new tricks and they accept is as an inevitable aspect of getting good at their chosen sport.
It is true for the rest of us as well, maybe metaphorically more than physically. We all fall down!.
To learn, we have to play.
To play, we have to occasionally fall down.
To succeed, we have to get up one more time than the number of times that we fall down.
Writing Fiction – Remember The Audience
I’m heavily into writing these days, both fiction and non-fiction so you can expect an increase in posts about writing and creativity (as I struggle through my own).
I’ve learned one of the big problems that I have with writing nonfiction – too much expository writing. So, now I want to learn how to tell stories in other ways. I’m investigating course and coaches but my office is right across the street form the Evanston Public Library and I am there A LOT.
Needless to say, in the writing section, there are shelves and shelves (hmmmm, note to self; is my book there?) of how to write this and that – a little bit like Filene’s Basement where the jewels are hidden among the omg clothes. I found a jewel. Stein on Writing is by writer/editor/playwright Sol Stein (www.solstein.com).
We have him to thank for today’s bit of wisdom on fiction writing. “Provide the reader with an experience that is superior to the experiences the reader encounters in everyday life. If the reader is also rewarded with insights, it is not always the result of the writer’s wisdom but of the writer’s ability to create the conditions.” With that in mind, I am returning to my novel……………
College Alternatives
College acceptances have given out; students have made their decisions. In this process, certainly many students and parents have 
realized that not every high school graduate is meant for college, either temporarily or permanently. For some, putting off college attendance for 1-2 years makes sense and now has a name “gap year’ borrowed from the British. For some, taking a year or two off gives a teenager time to mature and think about the future. For others, they have time to explore alternatives to college that might prove to be more satisfying.
Here are some alternatives to college:
1. Live at home and go to a local school. Experience college level work and interests with less expense and continuing to have the structure of home.
2. Get a job. Learn what you like and don’t like about work. If you don’t have to make money, volunteer, gt an internship, apprentice yourself to a master in some field, even for 3-6 months. Test the work world and learn about yourself and your skills.
3. Live somewhere else – a different city or country with relatives, friends, in a formal program or figuring it out as you go.
4. Consider the military, especially for people who need structure. But remember, military personnel go to war – this is not an extended gym membership.
Not everyone is suited to the traditional high school to college to job. Appreciate non-traditional opportunities.
Listening
Listening is a skill that many people learn as one aspect of their training to become a psychotherapist. Some people already know how; many others, therapists and regular people, never quite get the importance of listening.
The answer to being a good listener is simple: Stop thinking about yourself. Stop wondering how you look, stop hoping you are smart, and stop thinking about your next comment. Get engaged in the conversation with the person speaking to you.
3 major points about listening
1. Listening is not a passive activity; it is active.
2. Listening is not the annoying pause between saying what you think and saying more about what you think.
3. Listening is as useful as talking (sometimes more so).
My new book, co-authored with Charlie Waehler, “What Do I Say? the Therapist’s Guide To Answering Client Questions is coming out in May, 2011.
Lying On and Off the Couch
There is little evidence that lying is useful. It is usually easier to tell the truth because you don’t have to keep track of your lies. It also feels better. “If you have to lie,” I’ve told clients, “at least, don’t lie to yourself!” Lying starts early. Children begin to have the ability to lie around age three because, at that age, they have some understanding of their parents’ minds. They comprehend the notion of rules (and breaking them), and kids know that they don’t want to be punished.
Adults lie for similar reasons – they want to look good, they are embarrassed or ashamed, they are upholding some image of themselves, they don’t want to be punished, they don’t want to damage a relationship, and they don’t realize that lying will exact a high price from them.
Clients even lie in therapy – a strange place to lie when you consider the purpose of coming to therapy – but in many ways, therapy is like any other relationship, and people behave in similar ways. Why would people lie in treatment? Same as outside. People want to avoid the painful consequences of telling the truth; they feel too ashamed to tell the truth; they fear being judged or rejected; they want to avoid the pain of the truth; and they want to be perceived in certain ways and the truth ruins that.
There is a real personal downside to lying. Lies place a high strain on your working memory and decision making abilities because you have to work harder to keep things straight. If you are going to lie, it helps if you are the type of person who can detach yourself from the truth while you lie – like role playing or acting. Not surprisingly, people who are natural born actors, those who are socially adepts, and extroverts do best as liars.
“Team” As A Marital Metaphor
Some time ago, during a marital therapy session, a man told his wife that he felt that they weren’t on the same 
team and wanted that to change. His wife initially rolled her eyes at the metaphor but, as the three of us talked, I realized that he was simply translating all of his emotions into a language that made sense to him. For me (I wasn’t sure about them) lightening struck.
I have never been a convert to the Mars and Venus, men-and-women-are-sooo-different theory of life. Research tells us that there are more similarities than differences between men and women. There are far greater differences among men and among women that between men and women. In spite of that fact, men often feel at a disadvantage in couples counseling; they are not usually experienced in that kind of emotional talk. They sometimes have the feeling of being pulled into a game that they never learned to play.
Since the session where the husband used the ‘team’ metaphor, I have also successfully used it in my attempts to get people to understand each other. I mentioned this to my daughter Jenny over coffee one day. She liked it.
Fast forward a week one week. Jenny and her friend Annie are having coffee. Annie, compatibly married for two years complained about the conflict over garbage removal. “Why doesn’t Sam remember to take it out?” she moaned. They discussed men. At some point, Jenny shared our conversation about using team language. That evening, Annie said to Sam, “Look, we are on the same team but the garbage is giving our team a problem. Any ideas?” Sam thought about it and made a suggestion. Their particular suggestion doesn’t matter all that much (Annie ties it and leaves it near the door. Sam removes it), but it is absolutely lovely that one small problem is now gone from their relationship.
So, this idea of thinking about marriage as a team has possibilities because:
1. there are elements of marriage that need management, not love
2. teamwork is non-threatening
3. teamwork is nonpsychological
4. teamwork is cooperative and friendly
5. teamwork levels the playing field (pardon the team pun)
6. the concept promises results
Creativity at Midlife
Midlife can be a very creative time for two reasons. First, at this stage, people are often ready for a change and have lived long enough, 
accumulated varied experiences, have a bit of wisdom and can make some interesting choices. Second, they are sick of being told who they are and what to do so they are very ready to express themselves with confidence (or desperation).
You don’t have to be an artist to be creative. Creative pursuits can be the way you live your life, cook your food, relate to others, or make choices that are motivated by a strong internal voice. Think about who you are and what sustains you. Then you can take a step in that direction – a small step. Try it out and evaluate.