These are the weeks when college students move into dorm rooms and apartments. Freshman are the newest people at sharing close quarters. Everyone moves in with high hopes and good intentions, but…. Years ago, when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I moved into Towers dormitory at Boston University, I had incredibly high expectations for a warm, long-lasting friendship with my freshman roommate. We never go close to that goal – in fact, eventually we stopped short of being civil – and I was way more than 50% to blame. I’ve thought about it a lot in the years since…
so here are tips that may help you (or a freshman you love) to begin with awareness and intention.
- You have all sorts of expectations, whether you know it or not. Try to bring them into your awareness so you can deal with them.
- Keep assumptions to a minimum; deal with reality.
- Keep lines of communication open. Don’t assume, ask. People are different and you can preempt problems by communicating well.
- Talk about problems as they arise, while they are still small. Don’t let them build up until they boil over.
- It is okay if you are not alike. Concentrate on each other’s strengths, not each other’s weaknesses.
- Be intentional about how you intend to use the room. Have a meeting; have them regularly if you need to. When you get clear plans about sleep, noise, visitors, and all the other things that shared space requires, you have a framework to depend on. Later, you can diffuse arguments by going back to your plan. Good luck
After attending a friend’s big birthday party, my daughter Keira mentioned that the young woman’s mother was not supportive. As a knee-jerk reaction, always protective of moms, I said (without thinking), “Oh, she loves so-and-so. She’d lay down on the railroad tracks for her kids.”(My fondness for analogies can get out of hand)
Keira gave me that squint eyed look that smart daughters give to mothers who speak out of turn and said, “And how often do you think that will be required? What about the lack of daily support?”
It’s a good point. It’s an excellent point. As parents, we do not build relationships with the grand gesture. We build relationships with our children during every conversation, at each meal, during each phone call, with each laugh or hug, and by trying to understand who they are and what they need. Of course, this story goes way beyond parents and children. Our lives are collection of daily acts. Maybe there will be an heroic gesture thrown in but, mostly we build our lives with day by day, ordinary interactions. Now that I think about it, this doesn’t even have to be human thing – we don’t become educated by reading one gigantic book. Even plants – beautiful flowers don’t grow because they were showered by one impressive thunderstorm and then neglected for the rest of the season. I know, you get it – time to stop with the analogies………
So, I’ve been thinking about what makes an old friend very special. Of course, the best way to reflect on this topic is with my oldest friend, Hedda Leonard. Here is our list, complied by sending emails back and forth between Evanston, IL and Southbury, CT. We are very different women who met as 5 year olds, became inseparable through high school, traveled divergent paths geographically, emotionally, and professionally but still have our regular reunions and have managed to keep a loving friendship going for more than 50 years.
What has made us old friends?
Linda: We could depend on each other, with childish exceptions, from the time we were 5 years old until the day we left for different colleges.
Hedda: You could make me laugh longer and harder than anyone could. That’s reason enough for falling (and staying) in love.
Linda: I used to be a scaredy-cat kid, but felt very bold when we were making mischief together.
Hedda: It was so easy to be at your house, playing, eating, sleeping. I didn’t have to watch my step (my mother’s presence) or watch my back (my sister’s presence). I was safe.
Linda: I used to feel like you were my other half; everything was better and easier when we were doing it together
Hedda: Your home was warm and friendly; there was laughter and conversation. I was always welcome. You made me part of your family. I belonged.
It looks like we fulfilled different needs for each other as kids. Let’s see how Hedda and I stack up against the research. After we made our notes, I found the book, Children’s Friendships by Zick Rubin and did my homework.
Researchers have found that even toddlers exhibit strong preferences for certain playmates over others and, when separated, show distress. (We did) When you ask a 3 ½ year old, “What is a friend?” you might hear, “We’re friends now because we know each other’s names.” At eight years old, the answer changes and becomes, “Friends don’t argue with you. If you are nice to them, they will be nice to you.” (Eh). At thirteen, “A friend is someone who you can share secrets with at 3 in the morning with Clearasil on your face.” (We did, but not at 3 am – no cell phones)
Young children (ages 3-5) see friends as physical playmates. A fine recommendation is, “plays a lot” just as, “she takes things away from me” is a poor reference. At this age, they may have enduring relationships, but cannot characterize them as such. The older child (ages 11-12) understands friendship to involve time spent together with intimate and mutual sharing. A best friend is often our first experience with loving someone outside our family. Friends help development. Even in children, a best friend brings out sensitivity to another person, the desire to contribute to the happiness of someone else, and willingness to support another person. Here’s to old friends!!!!
Any comments about your old friend?
Data was taken from Rubin’s book, Children’s Friendships (Harvard University Press, 1980).
Very often, when people come in for couples counseling, this is one of the first things that they say. Sometimes, it isn’t about communication at all, but when the problem is, remember communication isn’t magic. Everyone can do it! When you see someone do a dangerous trick on TV, they follow it up with, “Don’t try this at home!” Well, DO try this at home.
Think about communication as “the process of exchanging information”. It can always be improved.
Here are 5 basic principles:
- In all relationships (family, work, love), communication never stops. It is always there, so don’t bother to fight it. Instead, pay attention and get good at it. You are always sending and/or receiving information.
- Communication can be verbal (messages sent through words). Communication can be nonverbal (messages sent by actions or inactions).
- When you have a negative message to send, it is best to send it consciously and verbally rather than carelessly and nonverbally. Communicating with words allows further, useful discussion.
- Communication can be simple and overt (“I am going to feed the dog”) or it can be more complicated (“I am going to feed the dog” accompanied by frown, groan, slamming the dog food on the counter, or announced when you in the middle of an argument).
- Communication is always edited and that is okay. No one says everything that is on their mind and that’s just fine – it is civilized.
- Poor communication is not a personality problem (usually) or character flaw. If you work at communication, you will get good at it.
Pay attention to these 5 ideas and see if it helps. Let me know what you learn.
Many of these ideas came from a 1987 pamphlet prepared by Richard B. Stuart and Barbara Jacobson. It just proves that helpful, basic ideas are still worth remembering.
Most of us have been taught to be polite. We are drilled with the belief that hurting anyone’s feelings is bad thing to do. We are cautioned to “play nice”, “be nice”, “don’t be mean”. I will admit publicly, for the very first time, that in 8th grade at Horace Mann School inn New Jersey, I was voted “most polite”. Well, with credentials like that, I certainly have the right to post an article about the other side of politeness. I am not going to advocate meanness or bad manners. I do however, want to point out that there is a dark side to every good quality, and here is the dark side of politeness.
Women’s ability to protect themselves from sexual assault decreases under certain conditions:
- When she is conflicted about what to do in the situation, her assertive resistance decreases. She is more likely to resist politely or go along with his sexual advances.
- When she is uncertain about her own wishes, she offers only polite resistance.
- When she is in shock, she becomes increasingly passive.
Women especially, suffer from politeness. Because they have been trained not to hurt anyone’s feelings, they become too passive when they are confused or uncertain. They want men to like them. For some women, particularly those with a history of childhood sexual victimization, their appraisal of a situation may be faulty. They may misread a man’s sexual intentions.
I have listened to many, many stories of unwanted sexual behavior, coercion and assault. These accounts come from smart, savvy women who, too often, say that they ignored their own wishes because, “I didn’t want to hurt his feelings,” “I wasn’t sure,” or “I didn’t want to be rude.” And then, some guy reads her passivity as consent and the hunt is on. This is what I mean when I say that the lovely qualities of politeness and kindness towards other people have a dark side – they prevent people from acting on their own behalf.
The above examples are extreme, I know, but tone them down and you still have a problem of ignoring your own well being because you are reluctant to make some other person uncomfortable, angry, frustrated or embarrassed.
Three good women are walking in the woods along the river bank, talking and enjoying each other’s company. Suddenly, they hear a splash and a frightened yell. The three of them rush to the spot where the noise came from and see that a young girl has fallen into the water. She is struggling. Working together, the three women make a human chain from the safety of the trees on the bank to the girl. The woman in the water reaches her and the others pull them both to safety on the shore.
Seeing that she was safe and unharmed, the first woman hurried away. “Where are you going?” called one of her friends. “I’m going to find her parents,” she answered.
The second woman rose to go. “I’m going to find the park service people and talk to them about safety.”
The third woman, sitting on the wet grass with the girl looked at her and said, “And I’m going to teach you how to swim………….”
I heard this story a long time ago. I like it because all the women are good, all of them are correct, and all are admirable. It reminds me that (once the girl is safe), there aren’t a lot of rights and wrongs. We all have different ways of solving problems, of prioritizing our tasks, and we have different beliefs about help, using our skills, and the future.
A massive (377,000 high school students can certainly be considered massive) study found that eldest children were more intelligent, BUT by only the equivalent of 1 IQ point! Eh, nothing. It is meaningless. This is in direct contradiction to standard thinking that first borns have an intellectual advantage because they get more attention from parents, more time before the other kids are produced. Ok, all you second and third borns – test your oldest sibs immediately.
Source: Damian and Roberts in the Journal for Research in Personality, 2015.
In 4 studies, the researchers examined “rediscovery” by asking 135 students to put the following into a time capsule:
- a recent conversation
- a description of their last social event
- an extract from a paper they wrote
- 3 favorite songs
They were also asked, “In 3 months time, how will you feel about these items?” What the researchers found was that people derived much more meaning than they expected from these mundane items. They underestimated how much today’s events would mean down the road. The lead researcher, Zhang who teaches at Harvard Business School noted that “What is now ordinary becomes more extraordinary in the future”. We don’t document the daily, ordinary events in our lives; they don’t have a ton of meaning at the time. This study reminds us NOT TO TAKE THE PRESENT FOR GRANTED.
source: Psychological Science. Zhang et al 2014
Continued from yesterday…..
1. Partners still feel special, loved and cared for. Men need affirmation more than women; women need to feel loved.
2. Fight gently; stay kind and speak complaints softly.
3. Learn to communicate
To get started on the right track from the beginning of the marriage, try these….
1. Talk about things other than ‘life maintenance’.
2. Be optimistic; celebrate good things that happen.
3. Be supportive.
4. Grow, take risks, find adventure. When people do exciting things, they enjoy each other more.
5. Pay attention to maintaining the relationship – everything that grows requires care and feeding.
For starters, read the work of John Gottman.
The divorce rate in the U.S. is still between 40 – 50%. The likelihood that a married couple will celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary is 52% for women and 56% for men – not great odds. But, there are now many studies that have followed marriages over the years so psychologists have some good ideas about what encourages longevity. Some of the factors are in your control, others are not.
Factors that are only partially in your control –
- Ethnicity – Asian women and foreign born men have marriages that last 20 years. African American women have the lowest rate of reaching the 20 year mark.
- Education – Women with college degrees have longer lasting marriages than women with h.s. diplomas.
- Age – Those who marry in their teens are more likely to divorce than older individuals.
- Money – People with no assets are more likely to divorce than those people with assets. Money can be a huge source of tension so if there is extra, you reduce the strain and arguments.
- Stress – High stress causes problems, especially when there is no chance of relief and time to recharge.
- Feelings prior to marriage – Premarital cold feet in women is a bad sign; no predictive value in men’s feet.
Tomorrow, I will post the factors that help make love last. Please come back.
If you want to read a different kind of love/mystery story, check out my novel, Object of Obsession.